I’ve been coming to grips with the fact that I am getting older...that my body cannot do the beautiful things it did in my younger years…and that perhaps I’m moving into a new phase of life. Honestly, none of these things bother me all that much, except for the fact that I’ve loved being pregnant and raising babies.
I've been gifted with an amazing body –- I’ve had the pleasure of using it to love my husband and to grow and nurture my three babies -- rocking warm bodies to sleep at night and breastfeeding each of them as they snuggled contently in my arms. We do tend to forget just how wonderful this period of life is until it's slipping from our fingers. And it was about six months ago that we learned I was entering into the inevitable transition period. You know the one:
Symptoms of Menopause: breast tenderness, mood swings, tearfulness, irritability, bloating, weight gain, indigestion, gas, nausea, skipped periods, headaches, faintness, fatigue, hot flashes…It made sense. I’m in my 38th year of life. I knew that one day the enchanted days of youth would wear off and that I’d carry only the memories of these miraculous experiences into my future. But I cried out to my husband about how unfair the finality of menopause was to someone who had adored these precious days. It didn't matter that we weren’t officially planning to have more babies. I wanted the CHOICE to change my mind. So in rebellion, for the last few months I've yelled at inopportune times. I've stomped around my house more than I care to admit. I've even purposefully thrown silverware into the kitchen sink because it made a loud clackety-clank that echoed the metallic-sharp anger in my heart.
When I calmed down, I proclaimed my thankfulness for all three of my beautiful babies and remembered my friends who haven't been nearly as fortunate in their fertility. And I pretty much forgot that I was rarely ovulating and that my cycles were totally unpredictable. I learned how to handle the hot flashes and to calm my mood swings when they hit. But some symptoms were still puzzling. Until...
Symptoms of Pregnancy: breast tenderness, mood swings, tearfulness, irritability, bloating, weight gain, indigestion, gas, nausea, skipped periods, headaches, faintness, fatigue...There's no way, I thought. But I found one remaining pregnancy test hidden in our downstairs medicine cabinet. I was so confident this was menopause that I barely glanced over my shoulder on the way out the door. Then my heart skipped a beat when I IMMEDIATELY did a double-take.
And, well, I'm SHOCKED and yet completely thrilled to announce that I’m most definitely NOT menopausal. My body just so happens to be growing a new little Miller. How funny (for lack of a better word) that the symptoms of menopause and pregnancy line up so closely!!
There are no words to describe how joy-filled we are about this unexpected child. I think about my last blog post and how I felt sitting before those warm windows, pouring out my heart to the Father. I was feeling a little ashamed of my own silly complaints and it didn’t feel like the right time to pray for myself. In retrospect, I like to imagine Him smiling down in love, listening to my requests, and yet nearly bursting with the secret of this tiny human being he was already tediously knitting together in my womb.
By the way, this is the latest I’ve ever found out I was pregnant. We’re looking forward to an early Fall harvest.
Yet...we're already a family of six in our hearts.
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