These small hours

This is just about the most hectic time of year. I tend to get overwhelmed frequently. But today...today is different, thanks to a brief moment of clarity. And I hope the way I feel right now, this very moment, will spill into tomorrow and next week and next month and on and on.

I've been having a bout of vertigo this week. My very first episode of vertigo came just two days after 9-11-01. At the time, I was certain my symptoms were the result of undetected biological warfare (apparently I was wrong). Anyway, if you've never had true vertigo before, count yourself lucky. Every turn of the head either sends you running to the toilet or wishing that you had. The dizziness is insane. No driving, no dancing, no walking, and no carrying around a baby if at all possible.

So today, in the early hours of this morning, I'm feeling very dizzy and am not sure what to do with myself. I'm laying on our tiny couch in the guest bedroom while we watch the movie Meet the Robinsons (one of my all-time favorites!). My daughter is on the bed a few feet away talking about inventions and I'm grinning because she keeps calling me 'Daddy.' My oldest son has squeezed himself on the couch behind me and he's gently hugging my entire head, so sweetly, while my youngest is standing on the floor by the couch holding my shirt up and nursing. I gingerly look down, so as not to affect my equilibrium, and up beams his big, glossy, grinning blue eyes at me while his plump cheeks slowly appear on either side of my breast. Bubbly giggles erupt instantly. OH MY. I'm so overwhelmed with bliss and so completely aware that my heart is now pumping warm, gooshy, delightful love to every extremity of my body. Whoa...this is MY life. All of this...it's all part of MY story. Even with vertigo, it's more than I ever imagined.

And all around me things begin to look different.

And I'm no longer feeling sorry for myself due to vertigo.

Because, WOW. Just look at my good fortune.

For a brief moment, I wish so badly that I could climb off the couch, grab the camera, and document this moment before it disappears. Will there be more of these small hours? Of course there will. But this moment of clarity seems different from the rest.

Everything in my past:

    My mistakes,

    my joys,

    my regrets,

    and my accomplishments...

every bit of it led to this precise moment of pure joy. And nothing matters right now except for these precious little beings who are so happy, so content, and so amazingly beautiful.

Then, in "happily ever after" style, the song at the end of our movie begins during the final scenes. I've heard it countless times before, but today I really listened to it and it spoke to me.

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And I don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But I can not forget
The way I feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain.

For my birthday, the last day of September, I've committed to not blogging at all during this whole month. It's a gift to my family and myself -- allowing me more time to enjoy these little wonders during such a crazy, busy time of the year. I'm okay. Actually, I'm better than okay. And I plan to be back to reading and writing blogs some time after my birthday.

Happy "small hours" to you and yours!




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